Do you feel like nothing you do ever enough to satisfy your partner? You are intentional and put exerted effort into pleasing and making your partner feel loved, only to feel like the goal post keeps moving. You are not alone in feeling this way and it is not an impossible issue to navigate. This is a common dynamic when one person in the relationship has an anxious attachment style. An anxiously attached partner may struggle with feeling secure in the relationship, leading to the internal belief that "I’m not good enough." If you find yourself loving someone with this attachment style, understanding their needs and learning how to navigate their emotional landscape will help both of you feel more connected and secure.
What is an Anxious Attachment
An anxious attachment style is one of four attachment styles. Individuals with this style tend to seek high levels of closeness, validation, and reassurance from their partners. They might become easily distressed by perceived distance from their partner due to their fear of abandonment. This fear often leads them to cling to their partner, sometimes even pushing for more attention in an attempt to alleviate their anxiety. They may consistently ask for more reassurance to navigate this fear of abandonment leading their partner to feel like nothing they do is enough.
How Do I End the Cycle of Constant Reassurance?
Often couples end up in a perpetuating cycle. The other partner may give and give until they get frustrated and pull away. The anxiously attached partner then see’s their partner pulling away and feels like their fear of their partner leaving them is confirmed. The anxiously attached partner may then spiral and need support from the other partner leading the cycle to start again. This cycle can become even more complicated based on the other partner’s attachment style and relationship experiences.
Here Are Some Tips for Ending The Cycle:
Open Communication: Encourage open and honest conversations about you and your partner's feelings. Discuss your attachment styles and how different interactions may trigger certain reactions. Hopefully the two of you can get into a space of asking “Do you need an extravagant date night or do you need some affection and reassurance?”
Consistent Reassurance: Anxiously attached individuals often require consistent reassurance of your love and commitment. Simple gestures like verbally expressing affection, leaving them heartfelt notes, or affirming your feelings for your partner can go a long way in soothing their worries. Sometimes what ends the cycle is just meeting the need for reassurance.
Set Clear Boundaries: While reassurance is important, it's equally vital to set healthy boundaries. Even the most patient partner will become frustrated and pull away if their partner always needs reassurance. You need to be able to take care of your own needs as well.
Healthy People Heal People: It is not your job to heal or change your partner. But, if you show up consistently, are emotionally available, and set boundaries you can create a secure attachment with your partner. Give your relationship time for the both of you to recognize you are safe loving partners.
Encourage Self-Reflection: Support your partner in exploring their feelings and triggers. Once you have provided reassurance and affection it is then on your partner to receive and believe it. If they continue to “move the goal post” of affection, let them know, and encourage them to gain some insight into their triggers and what they need from you in that moment that is helpful.
Therapy: Therapy is a wonderful space to explore origins of your attachment wounds and gain insight into self-destructive relationship behaviors. The more you know about yourself, and your partner knows about themself, the better you two can openly communicate about your needs and boundaries. When individual exploration doesn’t seem to do the trick, a skilled couples therapist educated on attachment styles can do wonders to stop the cycle in its tracks!
The Benefits of Loving an Anxiously Attached Partner
Loving an anxiously attached partner isn't always easy, but it can be incredibly rewarding. The superpower of someone with an anxious attachment style is that they deeply value love and connection. By understanding their attachment style and practicing patience, empathy, and clear communication, you can create a relationship that is brimming with long lasting love. Remember, your consistent efforts to show them that your love is steadfast and unconditional will make a significant difference in their journey towards healing and growth.
Attachment-Based Therapy in Denver, Colorado
Even with the best of intentions, we can struggle to understand our own and our partner’s relationship triggers. This does not mean that you have a bad relationship or that the relationship should end. All couples should seek professional support at some point in their relationship to make sure their relationship is well taken care of! If you find yourself consistently forming unhealthy relationships, our skilled therapists at Lone Wolf Psychology can help you understand the behaviors behind those unhealthy choices. Follow the steps below to get started.
1. We encourage you to get to know a little bit about our therapists, their specializations, and their credentials. Get to know our therapists here.
2. If you think Couples Counseling is for you, reach out to us! You can use our convenient online therapy scheduling form found here.
3. Begin the exciting journey of understanding your relationships to forge a lasting, healthy, and fulfilling relationship!
We hope to hear from you soon.
Other Counseling Services in Denver, CO
Not only does our therapy practice in Denver offer Attachment-Based Therapy, but we also offer a wide variety of services for every relationship stage. Each relationship is unique in its personal journey and we are here to provide, insightful and productive Relationship Counseling, Divorce and Break-up Recovery Counseling, Couples Counseling, LGBTQ+ Counseling, Kink and Poly Friendly Therapy, Trauma Therapy, and Premarital Counseling as well. We also offer Self-Help Resources to help supplement your therapy or to better prepare for upcoming therapy sessions!
Schedule a free consultation with a trained couple’s counselor to see if therapy is right for you.