Breakups are universally painful experiences that affect us emotionally, mentally, and even physically. While most people understand the emotional toll of heartache, fewer recognize that breakups can trigger biological responses in the body and brain. Our physical and emotional systems are deeply interconnected, meaning that a breakup can impact our brains and bodies on hormonal and cellular levels. Gaining a better understanding of how breakups impact us biologically can help us to better understand our pain and even assuage common feelings of desperation, isolation, and shame. Here’s a breakdown of the biological processes at play during and after a breakup:
1. The Stress Response: Fight or Flight
When faced with the emotional shock of a breakup, the body activates its fight-or-flight response, which is hardwired to respond to threats or dangers. Even though a breakup isn't a physical threat, the brain often perceives it as one due to the psychological pain it causes. This response is controlled by the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal (HPA) axis, a complex system that regulates stress reactions.
The HPA axis stimulates the release of cortisol, the body’s primary stress hormone, into the bloodstream. Cortisol adaptively helps your body cope with stress, but high levels of cortisol for a prolonged period of time can cause adverse effects, such as:
Anxiety and heightened emotions
Sleep disturbances like insomnia or restless sleep
Decreased immune function, making you more prone to illness
Increased heart rate and blood pressure
2. Dopamine Withdrawal: Love as an Addiction
Romantic love activates the brain’s reward system, specifically areas rich in dopamine receptors. Dopamine is the "feel-good" neurotransmitter responsible for pleasure, motivation, and reward. In the early stages of love, your brain becomes flooded with dopamine, which makes love feel exhilarating and joyful.
However, when a breakup occurs, there’s a significant drop in dopamine levels, much like withdrawal from a drug. This can result in:
Feelings of sadness and emptiness
Loss of pleasure in everyday activities
Cravings for the ex-partner, similar to cravings for an addictive substance
Compulsive behavior, like checking social media, texting, or reminiscing
In fact, studies using brain imaging have found that the same regions activated during drug cravings light up when people are shown images of their ex-partners.
3. Oxytocin and Attachment: The Loss of Bonding
Oxytocin, often called the "love hormone," plays a significant role in bonding between partners. It’s released in high quantities during physical touch, sex, and emotional connection, reinforcing attachment and trust. This hormone creates a deep emotional bond, which can make separation feel like the tearing of a crucial connection.
When a breakup happens, the brain’s oxytocin production decreases, which contributes to feelings of loneliness, disconnection, and grief. Losing that bond can trigger behaviors like:
Longing for physical closeness or affection
Social withdrawal or difficulty connecting with others
Heightened sensitivity to rejection or further emotional pain
4. Physical Pain and Heartache
The emotional pain of a breakup can manifest as physical discomfort, often referred to as "heartache." Neurological studies show that the brain processes emotional and physical pain in similar ways. The same regions of the brain that activate when you experience physical pain also light up in the presence of emotional pain.
Breakups can cause:
Chest pain or tightness, often called "broken heart syndrome"
Muscle aches or tension
Digestive issues, as the gut and brain are closely linked
Changes in appetite (overeating or loss of appetite)
Some people experience such intense physical symptoms that they may feel as if they’re experiencing a medical condition, which further underscores the deep connection between mind and body.
5. Attachment and Bonding: Evolutionary Survival Strategy
Human beings are inherently social creatures, and forming strong bonds—especially romantic ones—has historically increased our chances of survival. Our ancestors who formed strong attachments to partners were more likely to have support in securing resources, raising offspring, and protecting one another from threats.
When a breakup happens, the sudden loss of that bond can feel threatening to our brain’s evolved need for connection, triggering feelings of insecurity, anxiety, and panic. The pain of losing a partner will signal a need to repair or find a new connection, ensuring survival and reproductive opportunities.
After a breakup, many individuals report feeling as if they are going to die or desperate to reestablish a connection with their ex-partner, even if they cognitively disagree with these feelings. Moreover, these individuals may experience shame or embarrassment about these experiences. It is important to know that these feelings are normal and are the result of evolutionary processes that have unfolded across thousands of years in order to ensure safety and survival.
Healing from a Breakups: How to Cope
Understanding the biology of a breakup can help us recognize that the pain is real—both emotionally and physically. While it may take time, there are ways to manage and alleviate the effects of heartbreak:
Stress Management: Practices like mindfulness, yoga, deep breathing, and regular exercise can help reduce cortisol levels and calm the HPA axis.
Dopamine Boosters: Engaging in activities that naturally increase dopamine, like spending time with loved ones, exercising, or picking up a new hobby, can help counteract the dopamine drop after a breakup.
Physical Touch: While the absence of a partner can lower oxytocin, spending time with friends, getting a massage, or even hugging a pet can stimulate oxytocin release, aiding emotional recovery.
Support Systems: Talking to friends, joining support groups, or seeking therapy can help manage the serotonin imbalance and obsessive thoughts while providing an outlet for emotional release.
Time: Ultimately, the brain and body need time to adjust and heal. As the brain recalibrates, the intensity of the pain will subside.
Break-up Recovery Therapy in Denver, Colorado
Break-ups are extremely difficult and painful, but if you take the time and intention to heal from them it will lead to healthier relationships in the future! If you want support getting over your ex and moving forward, our skilled therapists at Lone Wolf Psychology can help you understand the behaviors behind those unhealthy choices. Follow the steps below to get started.
1. We encourage you to get to know a little bit about our therapists, their specializations, and their credentials. Get to know our therapists here.
2. If you think break-up recovery therapy is for you, reach out to us! You can use our convenient online consultation scheduling.
3. Begin the exciting journey of understanding your relationships to forge a lasting, healthy, and fulfilling relationship!
We hope to hear from you soon.
Other Counseling Services in Denver, CO
Not only does our therapy practice in Denver offer break-up recovery counseling, but we also offer a wide variety of services for every relationship stage. Each relationship is unique in its personal journey and we are here to provide, insightful and productive Relationship Counseling, Atachment Based Therapy, Couples Counseling, LGBTQ+ Counseling, Kink and Poly Friendly Therapy, Trauma Therapy, and Premarital Counseling as well. We also offer Self-Help Resources to help supplement your therapy or to better prepare for upcoming therapy sessions!
Schedule a free consultation with a trained couple’s counselor to see if therapy is right for you.
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